Oct. 4th, 2013

elwen: (muuchan)
Hi, seems it's been a long, long time.

You probably think this is a strange kind of thing to make me post here again, but...

A couple days ago my car battery died after choir rehearsal, around 9:30 pm. J was out of town. I called my dad, who drove about 17 miles out to jump my car, then caravan to his home so I could switch to the spare "sibling-is-away-at-college" car.

It got me to thinking. If I didn't live near my parents, who would I reach out to? Why was there no one I knew well enough, whose number was in my phone, who I would feel comfortable asking for a late night rescue?

I don't often feel particularly lonely. But there are moments when I step back, and I feel that all the connections I make are shallow. Most of the people I speak to regularly are through work, but I don't tend to form the kind of bonds they sometimes form with each other, going out to drink on Fridays and such.

And it's not that I don't know people whom I would reach out to in a real pinch, if something catastrophic happened. They're just farther away, or don't have a car, so weren't right for this particular mishap. And really, it was my own lack of experience and aversion to interacting with people that prevented me from realizing I could probably have just called campus police, or even tried asking other people in the parking lot for help. (It's not like I was in a sketchy place, where that is probably not recommended.)

I don't know how to change this, or if I can or should. But it was a reminder, I guess. I tend to think too much about contingencies for things that never happen, maybe not enough for things that do.

Also, I don't mean to denigrate the connections I make with people online. My life would be much darker without all the people that interact with whom I've never met in person or spoken to live. I just wish I was a better person, a more valuable friend, someone easier to connect with -- both online and off.

I know, it's ironic that I'd say all this after disappearing from this LJ for over a year without any indication what happened to me. If I valued my readers, couldn't I at least let them know I'm alive? That's why I said this was a strange kind of thing to prompt me to post. Or maybe not so strange.

Even if I'm not posting or reaching out, I'd like you to know that I am here, and would like to help you how I can, if the occasion ever arises.

And I'll work on making the connections at a lighter, "hanging out" kind of level, too.

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elwen

March 2015

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